I was having brunch in my kitchen, with all kinds of food available, nothing lacking really. I tried everything from porridge to ice cream to chocolate to fruit to potatoes to liver paté. I WAS FULL, BUT I WASN’T SATISFIED.
Later: I was walking in a beautiful botanical garden. I had been longing to go there all day and finally I was out there. I WAS THERE, BUT I WASN’T SATISFIED.
It didn’t have to do with the fact that I had just dropped my phone in a toilet. Even though that gave me a bunch of thoughts of how unlucky I was, how all kinds of OBSTACLES were lining up, for what reason? I was sending the question out into the universe, to God, to whatever would respond. Resting in my belief that there was a specific REASON, that these obstacles were sent to me to LEARN something important.
So, this dissatisfaction of mine. The restlessness. Why? WHY COULDN’T I FIND SATISFACTION, even though I tried to fill my life with everything I imagined would give me satisfaction?
I noticed it was hard for me to even stop and stand still in a magical landscape. I longed to let it soak into my experience, sink into me, but something was in the way; restlessness. LIKE A RESISTANCE NOT KNOWING WHAT LEG TO STAND ON.
Restlessness, nervousness, A FLICKERING OF TENSION. Like I wasn’t trusting, like I didn’t have the right to stop and breathe, like something bad would happen if I became still.
I was aware enough to see this. After walking long enough for my mind to quiet a bit, I sat down in the herb garden. Noticing a resistance in me to let things in. Pushing experience AWAY from my body and senses, staying away from pleasure and joy. Being STUCK IN MY MIND.
NOT ALLOWING. Not allowing myself. Not allowing anything else. Not allowing anyone else. Not allowing. Resistance to what was surrounding me, resistance to take it in, to fully breathe. Resistance to accept my life as it is right now.
From yoga practice, my body remembers how to let go of tension, let go of resistance, breathe and let the COMPLETE experience in. So I let go of resisting the beauty of the garden and the IMPERFECTNESS OF MY DISCOMFORT (as my mind judges it). I BREATHE DEEPER and ALLOW myself to take the moment in, to fill my senses, to experience through my body.
I realize the THOUGHTS that have filled my mind are NOTHING. So I let them become nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
This is the marriage of the masculine and the feminine principles of the Universe (as pictured in tantric texts).
The masculine as the QUIET MIND; nothingness.
The feminine as LIFE, with everything in it; the good, the bad and the ugly. EVERYTHING I can take in through my SENSES. No resistance to the flow of experiences, the flow of life. THE WHATEVER IS, IS COMPLETE.
Suddenly I realize: THIS IS SATISFACTION. When the SENSES are FILLED. When the BREATH is full.
When the senses are satisfied attention draws inwards towards a quiet mind, past the mind, to rest in beingness. This reminds me of the tantric meditation Antar Maona – INNER SILENCE. So it isn’t just a made up technique to occupy my time, there’s actually a deeper knowledge of the human body-mind-beingness that lies behind this meditation technique. That knowledge gives me satisfaction (the mind kind this time).
But the mind kind of satisfaction doesn’t fulfill me, it cannot give me the physical and full experience of satisfaction. Satisfaction comes through LETTING GO OF RESISTANCE TO WHATEVER IS.
And that also means letting go of the mind, realizing that thoughts are nothing permanent or absolutely true, I can let them evaporate into thin air. A thought in the mind takes form, evaporates and another thought comes in. Like clouds on a clear blue sky. Let them come and let them go. Just watch them.
Satisfaction starts with ALLOWING yourself
to fully EXPERIENCE
Dissatisfaction can also be an expression of being on the wrong track. Your emotions signaling that you need to do something about your situation. Dissatisfaction may be there to show you the way out of un-flow and into FLOW.